Mystery

Walking the halls at University of Michigan Hospital yesterday for Alisha's doctor appointment gave cause for some reflection. It was almost a year ago we were residence there for almost three weeks, in the i.c.u.

There is much mystery surrounding the events that took place during those weeks. We never did get resolve as to why Alisha became as sick as she did as fast as she did. Her blood pressure tanked and she went into cardiac arrest. I can still see my husband's tears running down his cheeks as he clearly understood we were loosing our daughter. I did not understand. It all happened so fast.

Being whisked away to a waiting room I did understand. I had done that several times before. We sat in that room in the middle of the night praying, pleading it was not her time. And it wasn't. God is so good.

By the time we received news of her condition it came with little answers and a lot of wait-and-see prognosis. Going back to see her attached to life support confirmed their slicing words of worry. Our daughter looked like she had met the enemy.

As I glided down those halls yesterday, I asked myself what I had processed from now the "balcony" view.  I know when I was on the "dance floor" it was hard to see something bigger at work. I wrestled with my lack of trust in God's plans. I sought stability of my spirit in the moments of watching erratic machines and hanging on the oscillating coat tails of doctors' input and theories. There was a lot of wrestling going on.

When Alisha recovered it was about as quick as her descent. Within in a few days of coming home one would have never known the battle she had just won. My battle didn't end as quick. Months to follow I was fatigued both physically as well as emotionally. I spent a lot of time seeking answers to what "that" had been all about. Nothing became clear. I left the answers alone. I surrendered the wrestle.

None of this should surprise me. So much of Alisha's life has involved dangling questions...mystery. My relationship with her revolves around it. She always give me just enough to make me keep wanting more. The "wanting" is more like an irresistible invitation to enter into relationship where I find out more about myself and the desire to be complete to another person. It is this desire... love...that draws me deeper and deeper to seek, to find, to knock.

If there is one word I would use to describe the great journey I have been on with Alisha it would be "mystery". Recieved answers only seem to give way to more questions. The unanswered humble me, spurring me to lean on other...God... more than myself.

God is mystery to me too. I know Him. A little. The longer I know Him I find myself needing, desiring, loving to know more. His ways are not always my ways. Perhaps, not knowing... mystery... is the remarkable blessing I truly seek.