Remember Him

Two nights ago I spoke to about seventy people about the grief journey. I simply shared my own experience and how I had seen God faithfully reveal to our family He had not forgotten us, that He did not mean to harm us in our great pain but truly had a hope and future for our lives.

How could I say all of that? A decade ago today our son died. I thought I would die. I told those in attendance that. I think it made them feel understood. I also told them that I don't believe we "move on" as way to heal from our pain. I said we move with our loss, we let our pain move us toward a place of healing. I think they understood that too.

To say "move on" has always felt to me as if I could easily live without my son, as though his life could be separated from mine. The tender place he made in my heart does not forget. It will never forget. And it can never be filled by another.

On this journey of loss I have seen over and over how God wants to be a part of my future. I've seen how He has endured my obstinacy, my faltering trust, my ugly emotions. Like a daddy holding an inconsolable newborn, My Father has held me not forcing upon me His love and His ways but always offering it. Revealing it.

Many have comforted me along the journey. Many have never forgotten Kodey with us and have stuck closer than a sister or brother. I am grateful for that!

Today is ten years since our son left. Tears want to burst out of me and I want to breathe deep. As much as I miss my boy, and I do miss him, my tears are joyful ones laced with the ache that a Savior knows. I want to remember Him. I want to cry out how He has been so merciful, so intimate, so gracious and so faithful.

So today I remember Him and how he took what was meant to harm us and used it for good.