Hard to believe it was nineteen years ago today that Alisha Hope made her entrance into the world. Before her birth, baby girl attire adorned the closet of her room from all the shopping my mom and I did while waiting. I knew she was coming. Little girl thoughts danced in my head. I couldn't wait.
It was all far different though than I dreamed of. Quite honestly it was nothing of what I dreamed of. The news of being told your baby has brain damage, may not live long, so just love her is not exactly a trade-off.
For many birthdays I grieved. I wanted to be celebrating milestones. At age one I wanted to celebrate my baby walking, at two spoken words, at three baking a cake together. Instead I was swimming in doctor appointments, getting her fitted for hearing aids, and trying multiple medications to control seizures. I would think about who she would have been if this evil virus had not attacked her brain.
Then one day, I can't pinpoint when. but I stopped thinking about who she could have been and who I wanted her to be and started thinking about who she was. It was hard because it meant I had to begin the painful process of abandoning the dreams I had had and embracing, dreaming of new ones, very out-of-the box ones.
Somewhere in the craziness of doctor appointments, therapies, special education, and hospitalizations a tone of peace settled into my heart. Mostly I think it was from God taking my grief, my sadness, as I gave it to Him. He transformed it into contentment and joy.
He worked that through me just the way you would think God works, through His gifts. Alisha really is a gift to me. Her total dependence on me daily reminds me of how I must look to God in my need. I don't think Alisha has any idea how much she needs me and really I don't think I have any idea of how much I really need God. But He cares for both of us.
So today as I celebrate this beautiful gift of life, I think about who she is; a young woman who is content right where she's at (not a worry for the next moment), a girl who still loves to look at wrist rattles and adores that silly purple dinosaur, Barney (simple is enough), a sugar-muffin, as her dad would say, who smiles larger than the sun when she sees the faces of those who love her (joyful & grateful), who hates having her teeth brushed, her face washed, and having to wear hand splints (strong-will), who stares deep into your eyes (mystery), whose hand sometimes gently reaches out to touch us (concern and care for us) and who has survived near death encounters (sustained by her maker).
I love her and who God made her to be. Happy Birthday Alisha Hope!
